Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Renewal Revisited: The Halfway Point.

What a breath of fresh air 2012 and Renewal has been! I feel like much of this year is becoming a reward for all the hard work that I’ve put in before in the preceding years that were painful, lonely and difficult. This year is not without a learning curve, it’s been really quite intensive but it is a world away from the previous years. The learning is entirely in a space of expansion and joy and getting to be a Giant. So where am I with my enquiry?

 

I set out to pursue recovery, rest and rejuvenation of my spirit. I set out to become reconnected to a powerful sense of myself moving through the world as a Giant. I’d meant to do this check in a couple of months ago, but I’m glad that I waited because the present update is significantly more meaningful.  It’s been that kind of year though, starting out well and it has just kept getting better.

 

I’m always amazed that every time I stand in the present casting my view backwards that I can scarcely recognise the Me that has come before. And yet, those steps and those experiences and feelings are all still familiar, they don’t feel like someone else at all… just that there is distance. Then is not now, time and again there is progression and moving forward.

 

When I last wrote, I described a particular concern that I’d been wrestling with, trying to put to rest fear and distress around feelings of being ‘too much’ and ‘too intense’ and ‘too scary’. I’d reached the understanding where I logically knew that I was none of those things, that instead I am an incredibly engaged and focused person, I am passionate about my life and the world around me, and that the weight of my full attention can be disconcerting. I knew this logically but not in m heart. I was also coming to terms with understanding and accepting that the experiences and reactions of others are sovereign to them and not only are they not my responsibility, but it was often unlikely to be appropriate for me to engage with them about it. My responsibility is to be myself, to be the best self I can be to the best of my ability. My responsibility is to live my life powerfully and passionately, to make a difference and leave my mark on the world and be marked in turn.

 

I have a heartfelt understanding of these things now, that transition has taken place and that space of healing is complete. I was in Victoria at the time when this happened, at a party and spending time with someone incredible enjoying the intimacy and connection available with them. Like a switch being flipped, once on and now off, understanding and acceptance crystallised and I was completely overwhelmed by a rush of emotion, because in that moment… it became utterly absurd to think of myself as being ‘too much’, ‘too scary’ or ‘too intense’. The moment was powerful and I’ll carry it forever, I think particularly given the unusual context for realisation.

 

I’m now practising being done with it, the healing is done and now I am simply being with that understanding and not unravelling it. The results and benefits were pretty quickly apparent though, as I move differently… I am more confident and expressive. I don’t feel any desire to lessen my own impact in a space, and when I say that I don’t mean that I’ve suddenly become a dominating and obnoxious person, simply that… where once I’d have tried to stand out less or worried about consequences of being myself I am now trusting and confident in my ability to navigate spaces with skill and finesse, I can trust in my ability to relate and communicate. I also trust that when I make mistakes, that I can act on that appropriately with kindness as well. I don’t feel small at all… I feel like a Giant again, stretching ever taller as I learn and imagine and grow.

 

I get to be the Art I’m creating. I get to make a difference and I can see the difference I make. I’m not a small impact person and I get to notice and appreciate that too. I get to own that as being part of my super powers in the world, part of the reason I’m moving through the world and not be apologetic or humble about it. I get to be ambitious and passionate about all the things that I still seek and imagine. I get to move in a space of abundance and share that openly, gently and with kindness and compassion.

 

I came back from my trip to Victoria in February feeling more myself than I had in years, which felt literally true – I didn’t feel like I’d made my way back to a happier time, but that I’d transcended my previous experiences of that and had created something new and more powerful still. I created the space for Renewal to happen in my last post, and when I went to Victoria that space came into being powerfully and it has continued to rock my world since.

 

For instance, I’d looked to move to Melbourne after I returned from there this time around, and I’d made firm plans to do so. A significant part of my reasoning was to seek a better relationship balance that involved more physicality, sensuality, sexuality and availability than I was able to access here in Perth. It wasn’t that my connections here were terrible; they were completely wonderful but not able to provide me with the balance and abundance that I was seeking. Then, just as I’d started putting dates into motion, I stumbled into a new connection, a new triad dynamic with a wonderful guy couple that I know, and which has been deeply rewarding in all of the ways I’d been seeking and imagining for so long. This is the first serious connection I’ve formed in a few years… it’s been a big deal for me and the experience has been rather magical. Even the hard, working-things-out bits have been so very rewarding. There has been an abundance of all the things that I’d been seeking, some I’d known about and others I hadn’t imagined. I’m enjoying renewal in my spaces of trust, in intimate relationships and sexual and sensual spaces and it’s a very welcome experience.

 

Where am I with less intangible things… I have quite a comprehensive and specific list of things I’m hoping will mark my passage through Renewal:

 

Professionally: 

  • Explore the qualifications I may be eligable to pursue as a member of the International Institute of Business Analysts. 

Nothing on this as yet, still on the list.

 

  • Continue working professionally as a Business Analyst and seek employment opportunities that align with this. 

I’m working as a BA! I’m getting some great experience and feel valued and appreciated in my role. 

 

  • Consider working as a volunteer in an open source project as a junior Business Analyst as a means of gaining development and mentoring, while improving and testing skills and contributing to something I believe in. 

Still looking at volunteering for OTW and the AD&T team so that I can get some Agile training and have fun with an awesome bunch of people.

 

  • Remember that I'm studying this year and that particularly in second semester, this will be very intense and I need to make space for study to happen. 

 Job stuff seems to be edging ahead in priority lists at the moment, more on that later.

 

Academically: 

  • Complete the 5 remaining units to make up my degree. 

 

I’ll complete a total of 3 units this year and 2 next year, and spread it out a bit more than I’d originally planned on doing.

 

  • Aim for distinctions in the work I am doing, but remember (particularly with what promises to be a grueling second semester) that as long as I am passing, I am doing sufficiently well. 

My marks so far this year are fantastic, all at the higher end of Distinction or High Distinctions.

 

  • Read outside the course materials, I have several texts that I have purchased and which to explore in more detail. I'd like to actually do this in 2012, as it didn't happen in 2011. 

A little. I want to do more on this.

 

  • Do a practise run at writing and submitting either a conference paper or a journal article that accepts undergraduate submissions. 

This is in the works!

 

  • If I can magically afford it, go to the Crossroads 2012 cultural studies conference in Paris in July. 

I won’t be able to afford this, but I will hope to attend this next year or some year soon.

 

  • Remember that I'm likely going to be working full time throughout the year and that I need to take this into account and make allowances for how study will happen. 

This is in practice, I’m going to let job stuff take the priority for the moment as that is what is feeling right, and the other related decisions and needs support this. More time to work out how to approach postgrad and where I’ll be located will be welcome too.

 

  • Explore options for post grad study, talk to institutions and their academics as well as friends. 

I’ve done a little of this, I’d like to do more, some of it is time dependent, and since I won’t finish till the end of next year I’ve got a little more time which I appreciate too.

 

Culture:

  • Go and see performances because I want to, and enjoy the opportunities I get to see something alone as much as when I get to attend in a group.  

So far, lots of enjoyment had. I went to the Dresden Dolls and Roxette concerts, saw Meow Meow at Fringe and then Onqotô and Parabelo and Lauren Childs: Dance! at the PIAF. I’ve also watched a couple of movies too :)

 

  • Blog about the performances I've gotten to see over the year regardless of how big or small they were. 

Umm… I haven’t managed this almost at all. I managed the two concerts, but none of the theatre so far. I’d like to think I’ll get to it, but I’m unlikely to back date and will hope that anything else I get to see that I’ll manage to blog about.

 

  • Read fiction that takes me to a happy place, fiction that enrichens my experience of the world. 

Some very happy fiction reading! Rereading ‘Evolution’s Darling’ which is a joy as it’s a favourite and one of the best depictions I’ve seen involving AI erotica. I’ve also been delighting in finishing off Tansy’s series, and am enjoying the hell out of ‘Diamond Eyes’ by A.A. Bell right now.

 

  • Read fiction that is fluffy and light, that I can appreciate when my brain is tired from studying and working. 

I’ve been delighting in the fluffy rereading I’ve been doing, lots of LKH and rereading Nalini Singh and Patricia Briggs.

 

  • Use my enjoyment of television as study breaks so that there is an opportunity just to stop for a set period of time. 

Enjoying my television watching too! Picks so far this year include ‘New Girl’, ‘Once Upon A Time’, ‘Scott & Bailey’ and ‘Saving Grace’ as well as old favourites that include ‘White Collar’, ‘Leverage’ and ‘Covert Affairs’.

 

  • Read 100 books this year for the Goodreads 2012 Reading Challenge and do reviews of them at the very least using that platform. 

Gosh, I have no idea of this, and I should really do some retrospective tracking.

 

  • Publish at least half of the reviews for the books I read this year on my blogs. 

This is looking unlikely, but I shall keep attempting to fulfill on the spirit of it which is namely to blog more reviews. Especially in my Retroactive Fiction Review Series.

 

  • Participate in and promote the Australian Women Writers Challenge for 2012. I've committed to reading 6 books by Australian women writers and reviewing 3 of them here on this blog. 

Two down! One to go! Yay!

 

Online:

  • Read the Down Under Feminist Carnival and submit to it at least 6 times throughout the year. 

My submissions are on their way there, but I am well behind on reading… hoping the uni break will be an opportunity to catch up.

 

  • Continue utilising online applications to streamline my information consumption and sharing. 

Still in progress, phone has definitely helped a bunch of things and I’m still working out tweaks to online systems and so on.

 

  • Blog more frequently here and keep up my personal blog elsewhere. I need to keep in mind, particularly for this space, that it doesn't have to be perfectly polished. I can trust myself to write decently and that everyone get's it wrong occasionally. I can trust my ability to deal with anything like that as needed. 

I’ve been really good about this actually and I’m *feeling* really good about it. Yay!

 

  • Continue to use my online tools to nurture my relationships and connections as well as to form new ones. 

I’m still succeeding in that, but my way of using various communication mechanisms to feed my connections is well established by now. Others around me still struggle with it as a quality form of connection, and that requires more energy.  

 

Personal/Other: 

  • Travel to see my interstate partners at least once and preferably twice or three times this year. 

Have managed once and would like to manage at least once more. Also hoping to get to Brisbane to see Babalon and family.

 

  • Celebrate my 15th anniversary with K' in style. 

This is currently in rain check :P

 

  • Keep my relationship network map up to date. 

This has been a delight this year, and I am amused at my implication in writing this item that it would *need* updating :P


  • Do an artistic mindmap on my 2012 theme of Renewal

Not yet, but would still like to do this…

 

  • Be gentle on myself with all the emotional intensity and work of last year, allow the healing to take place. 

I’ve been really good with this actually, lots of gentleness and lots of appreciating that then is not now. I am appreciating now for now and also as a reward for and the result of so much intense and concentrated effort in past years.

 

  • Practise asking for more and not feeling guilty or fearful that I am asking too much. 

This has been getting such a work out this year! I’m so much better at this, and I still struggle with it, but I’m really aware of the space now and while I haven’t conquered it, I’m engaging and processing and unraveling.

 

  • Continue to address health concerns with professionals as required, and find ways of building in exercise that doesn't result in more pain and less coping/energy. 

Am actually in a lot less pain in the past couple of months, I’m in desperate need of a massage even considering this, but it’s not feeling urgent and I’m not struggling with walking and standing and have even managed a couple of long walks and intense standing/walking/doing days. So I’m not sure what’s behind it, so I’m not sure what’s improving it and so on, but I’m going with it as best I can. Less painkillers is *awesome* though.

 

  • Continue to consider and engage with the idea of food and eating patterns and also enjoy any cooking I wish to do but without making it a focal point of the year. 

Gently ticking over, nothing to really say about this just yet.

 

  • Play games, guilt free just because you want to and it will be pleasurable once a week. 

Time is as always a premium for me and while I’m getting to play, it’s not really in the space of games and… I’m not missing it, the play I’m doing is more rewarding for me as it involves time spent with people special to me.

 

  • Continue exploring my talent and commitment for Conversations and being a Conversationalist and whether I could possibly make a living from this at some stage. 

I am still thinking, gaining confidence but no idea how it ties into income yet. More thinking required…

 

  • Maintain integrity with myself as my own best friend, my own partner and beloved and consider holding another 'Dear Self: I Do' event. 

So far going really well, and am still thinking of holding another self commitment ceremony.

 

  • Go on adventures and be less concerned with being well behaved - have fun and let go a little, don't focus so much on how I look/sound and how I might be judged. 

Dear gods I’ve been so amazingly awesome with this!!! I am so unbelievably delighted with how successful I’ve been in this space! I’ve been doing all these things, going on adventures, saying ‘yes’ to things, trying new things, and trusting myself more, also I’ve been far, far less well behaved and have let myself just have *fun* and be silly and be irresponsible at times. It’s been deeply rewarding.

 

  • Explore new relationship opportunities if they arise. 

Oh my, have they!  My new relationships are so worth the wait, I’m deliriously happy in this space and don’t expect that to change any time soon.

 

  • Travel to Brisbane and Sydney if I can magically afford it. 

Still hoping to do this but Sydney after friend J gets back there after his around the world trip.

 

  • Explore how I will move to Melbourne and taking on the challenge of (even more) independent living. This involves grappling with money as well as massive fear of changes. 

This is still in the works but is looking to be for 2013 and not for 2012, partly tied in with new relationship stuff.

 

  • Continue to send postcards and letters to friends, Loves and strangers. 

I’ve done a little of this but not as much as I’d like and I’d like to get back into the habit now that the post office is so close to where I’m working again.

On relationships...

I've had a few people via conversations with me ask me to consider writing about relationships and polyamory at some stage. Some things have been occurring to me lately that perhaps I'd like to write about. I've resisted thus far because all of this is so subjective and based on personal experiences that shape our views and engagement. However, subjectiveness aside I appreciate that the time I've spent thinking on this may be of value to others, and that we could converse together about it.

I don't for a second plan to speak from some kind of expert platform, it's not my style. I will be speaking from personal experience and the knowledge and wisdom I've learned from various spaces from academia to friends and loved ones, courses and talks and workshops. I have a deep abiding commitment to thinking on and exploring love, relationships, intimacy, friendship and connection. So while I won't take some kind of expert platform to speak from, my personal voice has the weight of this commitment and the time I've invested in these spaces. 

 

Like being good at sports, an umbrella:

To begin with, I thought I'd give you an analogy. People ask me about 'being good at relationships' either with reference to identifying that I seem to be, or their desire to be. Saying you or someone is good at relationships, is a little bit like saying someone is good at sport. It's not untrue, but it's a very broad assertion. Being good at sport is made up of being good at various skills and activities in varying ways. You may be good at endurance running and not so great at sprinting, for example. So, being good at relationships is similar, being good at a range of skills and activities varyingly within a large umbrella of understanding that we identify as 'relationships'.  Even saying someone is good at communication is something of an umbrella, because there's also a great deal to the space that is communication with varied skills to learn and gain competence in too. 

 

Being good at relationships, my history:

I have worked hard, intensively hard on my skills in relationships and communication for a long time. Early on this was fueled by a deep desire that comes from feeling denied connection and relationship for many years as a child and teen, that when I first really experienced connection and friendship I was intensively invested in keeping and nurturing it. That space of fear and desperation gave way to more mature desires and a self-confidence that understood how having amazing relationships was part of what made sense to me as a person moving through the world. It was part of what I wanted to always be involved in, growing and developing and honouring. 

Communication came much later, I was so terrible at it for so long! I was intensely passionate in my communication, but clumsy and people struggled to understand what I said, what I meant. Frustration was often present amidst good will, but it wasn't really satisfying for any of us. Things 'click' as they do sometimes and understanding blossomed and a whole lot of little things regarding how to communicate more effectively came much more easily to me. In mentioning this history and my immaturity, I hope to convey that all the things that make me good in any way at relationships are learned skills, and thus shareable and able to be given away and nurtured in others. 

 

Relationships are like snowflakes:

No two are the same, and this is true regardless of what the relationships are and whether you're a monogamous or polyamorous focused person. Once you understand that all the people in your life are the relationships you are in, there's a consciousness that can come to you in how you engage in those relationships and build or nurture connection with people. 

One of my biggest beliefs about relationships is that each relationship is sovereign in itself, existing for its own defining reasons that are not dependent on any of the other relationships surrounding. In this way, no relationship you're in can take away from the other relationships you're in, the only ways things can impose or encroach is through the choices made to allow this. This isn't to suggest that relationships don't relate to one another, they do, someone introduced you to someone else, a group of you share a particular interest and pursue it together. Choosing to view relationships as sovereign with their own boundaries still allows you to recognise and appreciate the ways in which different relationships enhance each other. The difference here is abundance in contrast to scarcity.  

 

Enoughness:

There is enough. You are enough. Those around you are enough. 

I can't say that enough, so I will say it again: There is enough. You are enough. Those around you are enough.

Any skill with relationships builds on your own trust and confidence in yourself, and awareness of your own imperfection and fallability. It's a journey, not an exam. There are no relationship police who will knock on your door and arrest you for being bad at relationships, and neither will they accord you any medals for being good at it either. It's a personal thing, and it's about choosing and choosing and choosing again to develop these skills and maintain them because doing so is important or valuable to you.

Part of what I'm talking about here is the need to understand that, at no point will you get it all right, and it won't magically all come together. There will be moments of ease, where things flow with joy and delight, but that won't necessarily be constant, and nor should it if the relationship is growing in my opinion. Understand that, you will make mistakes, that there will be hard and difficult parts to the most amazing relationships, that you will demonstrate moments of great insight and skill, and other moments when everything comes out wrong. Keeping hold of this in your mind with reference to your self also creates the opportunity for you to allow others the benefit of this undestanding. If you allow yourself to be imperfect, it is easier for you to have space for others to be imperfect too. 

It's not about getting it right, it's how you go about getting it right, and getting it wrong. Space for understanding, for forgiveness, for uncertainty, for reassurance, for acknowledgement, for speaking, for listening, for sharing and for moving forward. The idea of enoughness is an idea that dismantles the pedestal that we can put people on, or be put on ourselves. It is an idea of gentleness, of compassion, of kindness and respect. The world tells us in so many ways that we are not enough, that the people around us are not enough... learning enoughness is about an intentionality toward shifting how you listen and speak to the world about being or having enough.

 

In summary:

I'm not an expert, but I have a lot of personal experience and investment in learning about and understaning good relationships and communication. I've been asked and am willing to share this with you. Firstly, being good at relationships is actually about cultivating skills and experiences in many places and recognising that all the relationships in our lives are unique and important for themselves. Lastly, there is enough and you are enough and the people around you in your life, are enough, there is potential enough. There is enough. 

I'm talking about relationships generally, but my view of the world is polyamorous and this colours and textures how I perceive and relate things. It's still relevant for monogamous people, and people not in or interested in romantic relationships, but I still think it useful to mention. I also want to know what you'd like me to talk about. Have we had a conversation recently or in the past that you wanted to revisit, or expand on? Are there things you've wanted to ask me or find out what I think about something and haven't had an opportunity? Ask me, I'm listening. I have some particular things I want to cover in this series of posts, but it is more important to me to find out what you want and focus on that. 

Authenticity: Letting the world make its mark on you...

This post is for Azhure. 

Some people talk about their desire to make a mark on the world, to leave something behind that tells the story that you existed, and made a difference. I'm no different, that idea holds a weight in my heart that keeps me honest with myself. 

However, I also believe that it is even more important, to let the world make it's mark upon you. We live in this world, in our bodies, with all the trappings of society, culture and so much more. We also get caught up in the idea that somehow, we are to retain an associated perfect burst of youth, of poise, of smoothness and a life unblemished. This is reflected in how we treat our bodies and the expectations around that, it's reflected in how we remember things and also in the actions we take and how we relate to others. This idea that we can move through the world, negotiate the many ways in which our lives journey, without that ever being visible seems, not only illusory, but disingenuous. 

I say this because, the way the world marks us shows us that we are here, that we live and that this is our life to lead. The scars upon my body, the shape I have, the lines and stretchmarks, tell the story of my life. So do the marks upon my soul, my emotional journeys and the many things I've struggled with, failed at, been confronted by, the way I've loved. All the moments of my life, are the ways in which I have marked the world - there are changes to reflect my passing, be it only my shadow upon the ground. They are also the ways in which the world has marked me, like ink on the pages of my own story. 

This idea that we can remain unmarked, unmoved seems to imply a desire for some kind of perfection. My view is that, there is no perfection - it is just a word and a concept, an aspiration that is unattainable, but which we recognise by the degrees of closeness to it, where we sometimes find ourselves. Often in the tiniest of moments. I'm a huge fan of moments. The most powerful lessons I've learned in my life, are the lessons from tiny moments. 

To be unmarked by the world is to in some critical way, deny your existance - your right to take up space. To understand, to accept, and even to embrace the way in which the world has marked you is a kindness to yourself. It is an act of self love, every time you do it. I find that there is a groundedness, when I take in the myriad ways in which I have been marked - sometimes the marks are temporary like a cut or a scrape, or even an emotional hurt. Sometimes they're more permanent, scars. Regardless, they tell my story, remind me of my story and they situate me in my body, in the here and now. 

To be marked is not always kind, nor fair - there are no contracts in the universe for this. Our experiences good and bad mark us, the people in our lives, mark us, our choices and decisions, those consequences also mark us. Each step is a mark in both directions. 

If I seek to leave my mark up on the world, then I seek also to be marked as well. I seek the marking of all the joy and sadness, pain and pleasure that is and might be, or will be mine. Being marked also reminds me that I do make my own mark, that I cannot help but make some kind of impression on the world and it also inspires me to be conscious about what I want that mark to say, how I want that to reflect and what I wish othes to take in or imagine having come across my marks. 

 

Opportunity to host asylum seekers

Opportunity to host asylum seekers


Dear subscriber,

The Australian Human Rights Commission has been approached with a request to publicize an initiative of the Australian Homestay Network to provide short-term accommodation to asylum seekers who have been recently released from immigration detention.

The Commission has long called for a far greater use of community-based arrangements for asylum seekers pending the resolution of their protection claims.

Information regarding this initiative is provided below. Please consider forwarding it on to anyone who you think may be interested in providing accommodation support to asylum seekers as they transition to life in the community.      

The Community Placement Network (CPN) offers interested people the opportunity to host an eligible asylum seeker in their home for a six-week period.  The program is designed to select and train people who are interested in assisting asylum seekers to support themselves in the Australian community.

The Community Placement Network (CPN) is an initiative of the Australian Homestay Network (AHN), to make short-term homestay accommodation accessible to asylum seekers exiting immigration detention on a bridging visa. 

The Australian Homestay Network (AHN) will provide all approved hosts with information, training, insurance and support services throughout their involvement with the Australian Homestay Network (AHN). Anticipated costs to the host of providing accommodation will be reimbursed through AHN.

The Community Placement Network complements the Australian Red Cross capacity to deliver short-term accommodation support to eligible asylum seekers exiting immigration detention.

There has been much goodwill in the community over a number of years to support asylum seekers.  Members of the public interested to help by becoming a host may wish to visit the Community Placement Network (CPN) website (http://homestaynetwork.org/cpn) to apply and to find out more information.

An initiative that may be worth considering. My reaction to this is one of exasperated 'well finally!' appreciation. So often we privilege the financial considerations or constraints around 'issues' (and I don't for a second consider people seeking asylum to be issues, but I'm well aware that they've been constructed as such). We forget about drawing on the human capital around us.

This isn't to suggest that there aren't financial constraints or impacts to be considered. However, they can be considered in conjunction with other factors. Like the divide between Australian citizens and people who are refugees and seeking asylum. An initiative like this has the potential to break down some of those barriers to people's understanding, acceptance and welcoming of people.

Initiatives like this also have the benefit of assisting people in the forming ties with a new community, with settling into a (potential) new home country and may provide a counter to some of the hostility expressed and experienced by refugees and asylum seekers. Community is in part formed through shared experiences, or the sharing of experiences and this initiative has huge potential to capitalise on this.

I realise that my idealism toward a less racist and more open-hearted and more human-rights aware Australia is showing here, but I'm not ashamed that I'm motivated in that direction and I see this as potentially furthering a number of aims in those directions.

Would that my house were not already filled with people, pets and stuff... so in lieu of volunteering myself, though I'll talk to the boys about it anyway, I will pass the word far and wide. I want this program to succeed and to grow.

On my struggle with thinking about my marriage, my wedding...

This isn't a post about marriage or weddings in general, though it's drawn from that space. This post is specifically the result of the fact a dear friend was talking about planning her wedding and how the desire and the fantasy and the reality and ethics and values are all mixed up and intermingled. I was making a comment and it seemed better to post it here because it was about me and my confusion and angst, and not about her experiences and planning.  

So. I just don't know how to come to terms with wanting a marriage and also wanting a wedding (of some kind) but where I'm deeply conflicted about both of those things. 

I'm thinking that maybe what I want is a ceremony and not a legal marriage - because it better reflects my belief that marriage has less place as a legal distinction and that there could be more attention paid to the way in which people consciously choose the contracts they go into (like for property, or decision making in the event of for different things). 

That's a bit melancholy or overly practical for my usual romantic ideals. And oh, I have romantic ideals... but they don't seem to fit wedding related expressions and I really struggle with that and feel... out of place thinking wedding stuff. Perhaps it's just further ways in which I don't see my life and desires and hopes and dreams reflected around me with positivity and options and acceptance... (like television and media and magazines and books and movies etc...). 

And I *love* K, like I love *breathing* and *laughing*

He's absolutely the person I want to marry - but I feel like my reasons aren't good enough or are suspect because of my other relationships and beliefs. 

And there is child-me who also fantasised about the day and the dress and how it was - but not the person I'd marry, just me, and all that ritual and prettyness without substance. And now... at 31 I want substance. And I struggle also as a feminist with all the symbols and ritual associated.

And I'm no closer to figuring it out.  Which is just one reason I'm still engaged and not married, with another significant reason that I just can't bear to until marriage equality happens here in Australia.

But I still want an aspect or several aspects of both a marriage and a wedding... but I just don't know how to do this and feel like it's *me* and *K*, what we both believe and want and what we're both creating for our lives. 

(And what about cohabiting, and what about other significant relationships that may grow and what if x, y, z... I lack useful context for how to frame and process and think through this as a queer and poly person who never plans to be monogamous, never plans to necessarily cohabit with one, any or all partners consistently.

And...  you see how I might be a bit angsty and tied up in knots about it. I suspect I could logic it all out, but my heart and feelings are not in that place yet. So I shall continue musing and inwardly flailing and talking with K about it so that we do what works for us... and only when and how it works for us. 

Study spaces...

I often find that depending on my mood, the weather, the level of procrastination, how hard I think the work is, that shifting the locale of where I'm studying helps.

Sometimes it's just from one room to another. But other times I need to leave the house. At those times I'm seeking the gentle bustle of cafe noise, the pleasure of sipping really good coffee while I read, write, or think.

Today the weather was just... too hot to sit at home and get work done. So here I am tucked up on a couch at X-Wray cafe in a Fremantle, actually getting work done.

Soon I'll meet up with my dear friend Ali and we'll work alongside each other and that too will be productive. That's another way of shifting the locale... company.

When hacking your brain or habits for productivity I find that if you shift one significant variable, it's highly possible that it will be enough to kick your productive brain into gear.

I'm curious how others make study or work happen. For those that embrace cafe study, what is it that makes it work for you?

Reign of Beasts by Tansy Rayner Roberts (Book #3 in the Creature Court series)

Awwc2012_-_bookdout_-_shelleyrae
Australian Women Writers Challenge 2012: Book #1

Title: Reign of Beasts (Book 3 of the Creature Court series)

Author: Tansy Rayner Roberts

Publisher and Year: HarperVoyager, 2012

Genre: Fantasy - Dark Fantasy

Reign_of_beasts_cover

Blurb (from Good Reads): 

The Creature Court are at war with each other. Three kings fight bitterly for power and dominance over Aufleur and the streets run red with blood. Some believe that Velody has betrayed them as a new Power and Majesty rises, one who has no hesitation in torturing or killing those he should protect. 

At Saturnalia, the fate of the city will be decided. If Velody cannot persuade Ashiol to trust her again, Aufleur will fall.

My Review: 

This is the final book in this fantasy series from Tasmanian author Tansy Rayner Roberts. I've been looking forward to finding out what happens so very much, and I will be careful not to spoil you with my review. 

Once again, I am swept up into the world of Aufleur and the intricate and petty backfighting of the Creature Court. All bets are off in this book, all you know is that somehow, there will be a resolution - either the world will be saved or lost. As this is fantasy with a darker bent there is the sinister undertone that whispers to you wondering what the cost of saving the world will be, what will the 'saved' world look like. There is always a sharper flipside edge to this story that gives it bite and depth. 

The characters continue to interest me, I find myself curious about their choices and hoping the best for them. I am still delighted with the wealth of female characters and their complexity. They have grown and changed throughout the story, they are flawed and there are mistakes but ultimately you can actually imagine enjoying a pot of tea with them. I also loved how we are finally invited to share in some of the backstory for the other Lords of the Creature Court - the mystery does not disappoint, I can promise you that. 

All I will say about how this book ended a compelling series is that I didn't see the resolution coming at all. I appreciated it and found it satisfying as an ending. I believe it fulfilled the promise of the previous books where all is not what it seems and in addition to that, endings are not tidy little bows, they're a point at which a particular tale is firmly told and I'm glad that not all my questions were answered, that I continue to be able to wonder. 

While I don't believe this book can be read as a stand alone, I have no hesitation at all recommending all three books. Go take a look at the first book Power and Majesty and the second one The Shattered City. If you appreciate darker fantasy with truly stand out characters in a world that is entirely unique, there is a great opportunity for reading and discovery with Tansy's Creature Court series. 

Note: Review format is lifted from my friend Lauredhel's review of 'All I Ever Wanted' by Vikki Wakefield because it was simple, clear and awesome. 

 

On Valentines Day

I have some thoughts and I might be a little ranty. Just so you know. 

So, Valentines Day. Present incarnation. I know that there's history there, but it's specifically not relevant to my point here. What I want to talk about is that as with any public holiday or celebration, it's not *all* consumerism and commercialisation. 

Does Valentines Day in the present day involve a great deal of societal manipulation, gross over commercialisation and encouragement toward consumerism? Absolutely. So do most public events/holidays/celebrations. We seem to be able to navigate those just fine in a 'live and let live' manner. 

I want to mention a few reasons why I think that celebrating (in your own way) Valentines Day can be genuine, rather than simply shallow and unworthwhile. 

I tend to think, that in society, we don't teach people how to have relationships and nor do we  teach people to communicate. However, we have high expectations of people for both these things, and I think that any instance where it has been signaled to demonstrate care, love, affection and commitment is on that basis, actually rather important. 

It doesn't for a second suggest that it's the only time love and affection can be (or should be) demonstrated to one's partner(s) or other loved ones. It is an opportunity to make a specific point of it. 

I'm an extremely loving person. I spend a very significant portion of my time demonstrating my love for the people in my life. So in another approach to a genuine celebration of something like Valentines Day, I asked myself a simple question: 

Would I take any opportunity to show love/care/affection/value/commitment to those I care about?

The answer for me is (and will be unsuprising for those whom know me): Am I breathing? Well... yes. 

So, are all celebrations done with such thoughtfulness and intent? Of course not, but deliberate or not, people are being thoughtful toward their significant other(s). Either way: there is more opportunity for love. 

I don't think that this is a bad thing. I can certainly ignore the commercial aspects just fine and I've confidence that for those whom such things are important, that they could work around the consumerist drive as well. 

I actually wonder how much of the objection comes down to the fact that it isn't 'cool' to show love  or some such? How much of it is our expectation that emotions are allowed only in narrow bands of experience and situational appropriateness? 

Find what works for you and by all means continue to  not celebrate if you wish... but maybe it's worthwhile reconsidering. You could enjoy celebrating a relationhip you value, either with another person, or yourself. The person you're in a relationship with for your entire life. You could probably use some love too. 

 

2012 is about Renewal

I was lucky with this year's theme, it didn't take very long before it became apparent. Last year was so deeply inward focusing and so emotionally intensive. It was quickly very clear to me that I needed a space for recovery, for rejuvenation, to be open hearted and at ease with the world. I also needed to turn my gaze outward to tangible expressions of my life and what I seek to create. 

Last year was intensive emotionally in ways that were often deeply painful. I grappled with feelings around 'shame' out of a relationship break up that went badly. Nasty little 'should' cycles and self recrimination because I 'should' have known better than to end up hurt. 

It was a year that reminded me that I am far from trigger free. I spent most of the year processing and considering, working through experiences that left me distressed, anxious and out of balance with the world. The biggest one, and it is still one I'm grappling with is a fear of being too scary, too intense, too overwhelming -- in short, too much. 

So while I'm still putting this old fear to rest, I seek renewal in my purpose and understanding of myself. Renewal in my experience of myself as a Giant. Renewal in my trust in myself and also in other people around me that I am not 'too much' at all. Rather that I am incredibly engaged with those around me, highly focused and also unstintingly passionate about the world around me and how I experience it. 

Back when I was dealing with repressed memories of childhood trauma, my logic required me to remake myself. With the addition of these new memories, my personal experience of my personhood and history was suspect, and required me to choose anew who I wanted to be. This was a magnificent though intense personal process, and I'm still grateful that I undertook it today, over a decade later. 

I came out of it many things, this brand new personality. But the relevant aspect for this post is that I came out of it wanting to be the art, not to make it separate from myself. I wanted to make a difference in the world just by being who I was, moving through my life influencing those around me. And what I realised as I've been struggling with my 'too scary, too much-ness', is that this reaction comes from the place where my choice has come into being - and since this is an old fear, has always been present. 

The nature of art is to confront, it's not always beautiful. It is sometimes confronting and challenging, uncomfortable. So what I see is, having created myself as the art and not the artist, is that how I move through the world provokes people as art provokes people.

So as I battle with upset and worry that I have caused upset or even harm, I have been reminded that I am not responsible for others' reactions. I am responsible for my own actions and I must let others have sovereignty over theirs without interference. I can engage if that is an option, but it is not always appropriate and often I will be required to simply accept and let go, to move on. 

It is this last paragraph which specifically relates to how I experience renewal as a part of putting to rest this old and painful fear. I'm not there yet, but I get the sense that I won't spend all year on this either. It's just the first big example of where I am setting the space for renewal - and thus healing, to happen. 

Renewal as a year long enquiry means moving through things, allowing transitions to happen, to choose aspects of myself and my life anew. I anticipate that it will mean old patterns are refreshed, and some will be retired. Also that new ones may come into play, and that present aspects of my life and personality may shift and grow and change. 

This is a year in which I must pay attention to the flow of things, listen to my heart-intelligence as well as my logic. I need to align these with my sense of self, as a genuine entity in the world, being my best self, my biggest and most Giant self.

2012 will be a year of rediscovery, and though I can distantly appreciate that I've grown and changed so much in recent years, I do not have a personal knowing, and so I seek this. I seek to gain new and deeper understanding of my self as a person renewed. 

This is a year to embrace myself as a powerful and ambitious person, deserving of all the things I wish for. 

This quote is one I came across a couple of weeks ago, and it's quite apt for my purpose I think:

"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader." -- John Quincy Adams

So what goals do I want to achieve, what elements do I want to bring into my life, what practises do I want to improve? 

Professionally: 

  • Explore the qualifications I may be eligable to pursue as a member of the International Institute of Business Analysts. 
  • Continue working professionally as a Business Analyst and seek employment opportunities that align with this. 
  • Consider working as a volunteer in an open source project as a junior Business Analyst as a means of gaining development and mentoring, while improving and testing skills and contributing to something I believe in. 
  • Remember that I'm studying this year and that particularly in second semester, this will be very intense and I need to make space for study to happen. 

Academically: 

  • Complete the 5 remaining units to make up my degree. 
  • Aim for distinctions in the work I am doing, but remember (particularly with what promises to be a grueling second semester) that as long as I am passing, I am doing sufficiently well. 
  • Read outside the course materials, I have several texts that I have purchased and which to explore in more detail. I'd like to actually do this in 2012, as it didn't happen in 2011. 
  • Do a practise run at writing and submitting either a conference paper or a journal article that accepts undergraduate submissions. 
  • If I can magically afford it, go to the Crossroads 2012 cultural studies conference in Paris in July. 
  • Remember that I'm likely going to be working full time throughout the year and that I need to take this into account and make allowances for how study will happen. 
  • Explore options for post grad study, talk to institutions and their academics as well as friends. 

Culture:

  • Go and see performances because I want to, and enjoy the opportunities I get to see something alone as much as when I get to attend in a group. 
  • Blog about the performances I've gotten to see over the year regardless of how big or small they were. 
  • Read fiction that takes me to a happy place, fiction that enrichens my experience of the world. 
  • Read fiction that is fluffy and light, that I can appreciate when my brain is tired from studying and working. 
  • Use my enjoyment of television as study breaks so that there is an opportunity just to stop for a set period of time. 
  • Read 100 books this year for the Goodreads 2012 Reading Challenge and do reviews of them at the very least using that platform. 
  • Publish at least half of the reviews for the books I read this year on my blogs. 
  • Participate in and promote the Australian Women Writers Challenge for 2012. I've committed to reading 6 books by Australian women writers and reviewing 3 of them here on this blog. 

Online:

  • Read the Down Under Feminist Carnival and submit to it at least 6 times throughout the year. 
  • Continue utilising online applications to streamline my information consumption and sharing. 
  • Blog more frequently here and keep up my personal blog elsewhere. I need to keep in mind, particularly for this space, that it doesn't have to be perfectly polished. I can trust myself to write decently and that everyone get's it wrong occasionally. I can trust my ability to deal with anything like that as needed. 
  • Continue to use my online tools to nurture my relationships and connections as well as to form new ones. 

Personal/Other: 

  • Travel to see my interstate partners at least once and preferably twice or three times this year. 
  • Celebrate my 15th anniversary with K' in style. 
  • Keep my relationship network map up to date. 
  • Do an artistic mindmap on my 2012 theme of Renewal
  • Be gentle on myself with all the emotional intensity and work of last year, allow the healing to take place. 
  • Practise asking for more and not feeling guilty or fearful that I am asking too much. 
  • Continue to address health concerns with professionals as required, and find ways of building in exercise that doesn't result in more pain and less coping/energy. 
  • Continue to consider and engage with the idea of food and eating patterns and also enjoy any cooking I wish to do but without making it a focal point of the year. 
  • Play games, guilt free just because you want to and it will be pleasurable once a week. 
  • Continue exploring my talent and commitment for Conversations and being a Conversationalist and whether I could possibly make a living from this at some stage. 
  • Maintain integrity with myself as my own best friend, my own partner and beloved and consider holding another 'Dear Self: I Do' event. 
  • Go on adventures and be less concerned with being well behaved - have fun and let go a little, don't focus so much on how I look/sound and how I might be judged. 
  • Explore new relationship opportunities if they arise. 
  • Travel to Brisbane and Sydney if I can magically afford it. 
  • Explore how I will move to Melbourne and taking on the challenge of (even more) independent living. This involves grappling with money as well as massive fear of changes. 
  • Continue to send postcards and letters to friends, Loves and strangers. 

This list may be incomplete, I'm not really sure yet. It *is* comprehensive. It's more specific and goal like this year too, less focused on bringing certain experiences or feelings into being through an organic process. Much more of the 'do this' and 'take this on' complete with numbers attached in a number of cases. I haven't done this kind of list in such detail for a few years, so we'll see how it goes - as always I'll revise as it occurs to me that it is a good time to do so. 

 

So tell me about this theme thing you do...

I thought that it might be useful to do a post explaining what it is I mean by taking on a yearly theme and what that enquiry means to me. I hope that it will be the useful kind of post that means others can take up the idea if they wish - it's certainly not mine, I've seen it in a dozen different places and ways; this is just my way. 

Some people do resolutions, sometimes they're at the beginning of the calendar year, at birthdays or other siginificant points. (Mine used to run from Swancon to Swancon - annual, but not really specifically a year between them.)

What's the point? Or, why might you do this? 

It gives you a chance to take an opportunity to spend an extended length of time on one aspect of your life that you'd like to concentrate on. It may be something that you feel is missing, or not working. Or, it may be something that you feel particularly passionate about or interested in. Whatever 'pings' as significant to you, is worth considering for this.

I find that when I stumble on the thing that is right for me to spend a year thinking on, that there's an inner sense of knowing. Something just feels 'right' about it. I'm inclined to call this intuition and run with it, your mileage may vary.

The point is doing it and that if you're doing it, there's something to be gained. It may be that you get better picking your themes - I have. I've certainly realised that if I pick something that I think I 'know' what it will be about, that I learn far more than I expected and that invariably, what I thought I knew is the tip of the proverbial iceberg. However it happens... is fine. This is your space and it only needs to work for you. 

So, pick a theme. Something that resonates with you inwardly and maybe 'pings' in your brain somehow. Think about it. Think about it a lot - you can write about it in a private journal too if you wish. Also, talk to those you trust most about it. Talk to those who know you best. Share your thoughts and feelings, your doubts and wonderings about it. The conversation builds the shape of the enquiry. 

Not everyone is socially minded or inclined to share such personal things, so don't feel that this is necessary - do what works for you and adapt as necessary. Have it work for you, because that is the point. You know yourself and if the thought of journaling bores you, or the thought of sharing these kinds of thoughts with others is horrifying, don't do it. 

But think about it. In depth and let your mind open it up like a many layered parcel. I think that the children's birthday party game 'Pass the Parcel' is apt as a metaphor here. Every time the parcel makes it's way around the circle (otherwise known as your brain), you know something new about it. 

Take all those things and write something down as a beginning. Talk about your theme and what it means to you. Identify aspects or elements, even specific goals that form part of what you've come up with for your theme. You can do this privately or publically as I have, but it's really up to you. I've gotten to have some of the most meaningful and heartfelt conversations with people asking me about my themes, and that's incrediibly validating. 

Don't overthink this. It's an enquiry - it will tick over in the back of your mind. It will be part of what your subconscious is doing in many ways. You may have picked specific and very visible things to happen and let those happen, but don't stress overmuch about it. In putting the enquiry in motion, it has a life of its own and rest assured it is happening.

Do the obvious things you've set and do your best not to over-engineer the other things happening. Instead, notice what is happening around you. What challenges come up, what ways in which you win at life, adulthood - or anything really. Noticing is part of the point. Just let yourself pay attention to your feelings and thoughts.

After a time be it a month or six or ten, you can check in with the enquiry and the things you identified as being part of that year's theme. Talk about what you struggled with, what you felt you achieved and the expected and unexpected things you noticed. Again, you can do this privately just for yourself or in some measure of public post/discussion. 

Finally, toward the end of the year, revisit your preliminary check in thoughts. Think about where you're at now with the year coming to a close. Think about what you've learned overall about the enquiry over the course of the year. Consider what you're going to take into the future with you and what you're going to leave behind. This is a chance to evaluate and process as an ending point to the current year's theme. 

Around the same time as you're winding up for the current year, you begin to think about the new year. It's the same sort of process as I described above as a beginning. Let it happen and don't worry too much if it doesn't seem obvious. If the 'perfect' thing doesn't occur to you, whatever you do pick, will still be worthwhile considering for the year.

Also, while I tend to do enquiries that are year-long, you can adjust as feels right for you - quarterly, half yearly, monthly, really whatever feels right for you. It's yours. 

So, the summary or 'tl:dr' version:

  1. Pick a theme, pick something that resonates with where you're at right now.
  2. Think about it and find out what it means to you, then write about it either privately or in some public form including what elements or actions, even goals characterise the enqiry.
  3. Don't think about it too much as the year goes on. Trust that it's happening beneath the surface, and appreciate what you notice as time passes as well.
  4. Do a check in post, or several - whatever works for you. Again, this can be private or shared.
  5. Review and evalutate what you got out of the theme, consider what you know now that you didn't before, or what changed, what shifed or what you learned. Write about it, privately or shared and create an end point so that you can be open to a new beginning point.
  6. Rinse and repeat as works on the cycle best for you. Trial and error encouraged!

Also, feel free to ask any questions in the comments.  

Final Reflection on my 2011 Theme: Conscious Faith

Oh what a year 2011 was, it was a very hard year.I started out last year in such hope for amazingness and it really didn't eventuate though I hoped so hard for it.

Much of my experience of the year can be appreciated through the two other posts on Conscious Faith that I wrote, mainly because so much of the year was internal and that's where I set in motion and then realised the learning and experiences. Here is my beginning post on the enquiry and my check in about how it was progressing. Today is about creating an end point so that there can be a beginning point. Transition. Entry and exit. Consciously. 

I spent (and needed) a lot of time in my head and heart working through things. I'm still surprised at how much of the enquiry and the aims I set out were present and acted on throughout the year. Also, as I write this I am surprised at how comfortable I am putting this enquiry to rest, how complete I feel with it. That realisation came only with the writing of this post. Some of what I've done has led to things that will be part of next year's work with Renewal. But there is a lot to appreciate and acknowledge about what I've achieved and received throughout this year's enquiry. 

It's still true for me that Conscious Faith was about how I move through the world, recognising where balance is for me, looking at boundaries and where I spend my energy, looking at what brings me joy and where I want to spend my time. It was a year that allowed me to regain my sense of Being A Giant and recognising that I have something wonderful and vital to contribute to the world.

I've learned more about doubting that and coming back from that space of doubt, even if it's still a work in progress. So in many ways, last year was about healing, cleaning out dark and dank places in my heart and head. It was about listening to myself and becoming aware of what I hadn't realised, what I was blind to and what I needed to know and learn. 

What am I left with looking back on the goals I outlined, now that I'm ready to put Conscious Faith to rest and begin with Renewal?

  • Improving my active listening ability:

This is something that I thought that I'd managed huge inroads into, making it a part of my ordinary, what has also happened that I didn't really notice at the time was that I've become much better at listening actively to myself, inwardly. I'm more aware about what's going on for me, what I'm seeking, what I need, what I want.

  • Evaluating and reconsidering processes and systems:

There are many ways in which this has happened. Reworking or evaluating systems or adding in new processes have filtered all the way through my life from emotional and intellectual to more practical things such as ways I do exercise, manage pain, job hunt, communicate, employ boundaries and utilise my time.

One of the obvious examples is how the extensive reworking of how I process/consume/share/read information online and store it all (Dear Pinboard, I love you!) At the very least I'm paying a lot more attention to my habits, what feels natural and organic in my actions/schedule. I'm aiming ot make things less of a struggle, less of a fight so that I have more time and energy for things that matter more to me. This has been successful so far and honestly is one of those things that is a continual work in progress, and I'm okay with that. 

  • Non-fiction reading, particularly study related: 

So this didn't really occur outside of blogs. Partly it's because a bunch of the texts I'd planned to read spent most of the year in Kununurra, but also the emotional toll of the year meant that I really didn't have the capacity to really go in depth with my reading. I read lots of fluff instead. This is something that I hope to take into 2012 with me. 

  • Cooking consciousness around eating and ethics

This is one of those that I think was the past lurking in the present, cooking has been a major part of my life over the years, but I don't think it has the same priority now. At least, I am sure of that for the past two years. I didn't spend much of last year cooking, what I did cook was of a high quality but it wasn't regular. It was most often something quick and easy for dinner with occasional bigger efforts.

I'm still no closer ot having any idea how to deal with food and ethics, I waver back and forth. I have spent a lot of time *thinking* about it. And that was the point, resolution while nice wasn't the aim. I learned a lot about how I prefer to eat out and my eating habits have changed in that regard. My body and hormones are in process of changing (I think) because what I eat and how it affects me seems to be changing. Trying to just go with it at the moment as I have no real conclusions

  • Meaningful conversations were a cornerstone of the year, and they were how I felt that I made a difference in the world and to people around me. 

This was one of the central ways in which conscious faith really occurred. This was a year for one on one or small group conversations that meant so much to me. There were conversations I had with people that made an immense difference with them and their lives. There were also many times where I was in need of support and there were conversations then too. 

I have come into a space of gentle trust again that what I bring to these conversations, to the world is unique and valuable. I am feeling more and more comfortable with being passionate about my life and the world around me again. My confidence is regrowing itself. All of this feeds into the conversations I've had, needed or moderated. Being a conversationalist in this sense is a huge expression of my Gianthood

I'm very seriously and very gently growing ideas around how I can use my talent and passion in this way to earn a living while making a difference in the world. It's a tiny fledgeling idea at present, it has lots of growing to do. 

  • Goals and wishes and desires

Desires is a big one, I've desired so much and am still in a space of wanting and hoping. Some important things I've wanted shifts in haven't occurred despite my attempts to do so, but I've learned a lot.

I got to spend a huge amount of time practising with 'asking' and it's not that much less uncomfortable than it was a year ago. But, it has also helped me to unhook unhealthy patterns and collect evidence that demonstrates a much better pattern to take on. 

I proved to myself that I could fling myself into a challenging situations, adventures that were huge! I also learned that if they don't work out, I can totally come back from it and take the best I can from it. Given these intentions were the closest I came to making a list of goals I'm feeling pretty satisfied with how I fulfilled them overall.

  • More on making a difference

Aside from the conversational element, I also learned more about being myself. Being my best self. Not only that it doesn't happen all the time, but, what my capacity is for 'best' is changeable. I am clear that I have throughout things I have done the very best I could do. What I was capable of in doing my 'best' at the time varies greatly. Some days are a win because I got through the day, or stayed in bed. Other days, I felt like I conquered all the bad things in my world.

This is one of the most frequent conversations I had over the past twelve months and also ties into letting go of perfectionism and doing things suffiently well, or trusting that I've done things sufficiently well.  

  • Keeping my vows to myself and being my own best friend

Keeping in mind that I am responsible for being kind to myself and giving myself a break from all the expectation and judgement was a big part of last year. It was a huge reason why I think that I got through so much crap this year. It's also why I think I was able to notice and address a whole bunch of things that had been in the back of my mind being pleasantly ignored. 

I wasn't always successful, but I was quick to make amends and adjust my actions or speaking as I was called on it. I got better at it as the year progressed too, even as the emotional stuff got harder and I struggled more. 

This was another of the conversations that I had multiple times with others to good effect. I think that having the conversation so often is also why I was forced to remember it and act on it perhaps more than I would have without the consistent reinforcement. 

  • Knowing connectionism like I know how to breathe

When I last checked in with my enquiry, I was so thankful because it seemed like this was the gift I'd given myself to get through the year. I still believe this to be true. I couldn't have gotten through the year without the connections around me and without being as deeply committed to connection as I am. 

 

Overall... this enquiry has been the kind of inward and quiet success that is difficult to articulate or point to. But I can feel it. What I can take away from this is a knowingness that I have faith in myself, in the people and the world around me. I also have a better understanding about how I move through the world, and what happens when I consciously consider things or take things on, or even remove them from my life. It's been fascinating and so much hard work. I'm content with what I've gained and learned from it. I'm also eager to move on to the happier space that I hope Renewal will be. 

Thank you 2011, you were so very rough, so very hard and I hope that what I learned and took away from my experience of you continues to grow and bear fruit in the years to come. 

Australian Women Writers 2012 Reading and Reviewing Challenge

Awwc2012_-_bookdout_-_shelleyrae
There's a challenge that a bunch of friends are doing this year that involves specifically reading and reviewing Australian women writers. I'm delighted to take part and even though I've got a hefty study load planned, I'm going to relish the opportunity to read some fiction over the course of the year.

So, the challenges I'm taking on are:

Genre Challenge - Purist

I'll be sticking to my beloved science fiction and fantasy genre for this. There's such a wealth of books and authors in this genre, some of whom I'm familiar with but I am also hoping to discover new authors to follow as a result of the challenge. 

Books Challenge - Miles (read 6 and review at least 3)

This may at first seem like a goal set too low for someone who is quite a voracious and dedicated reader. However, that hefty study load I mentioned gives me pause and I'll take the opportunity to create space and gentleness here so that there's maximum opportunity for enjoyment and achievement of the goal. 

This also comes in under my desire to combat some of my perfectionism and determination to achieve highly by appreciating things that I can do 'sufficiently well' and be pleased and proud of them. It's always nice when I achieve highly, but I don't want to position myself such that I have a melt down every time I don't reach my own high expectations. I want to select the high reaching goals with care rather than overloading myself with All The Things having to Exceed Expectations. 

So what books am I planning to read? Well, I've definitely got my eye on The Twelve Planets produced by Twelfth Planet Press. Not that I needed much of an excuse to read them, but there's an awesome community feel about doing it in this way, so I'm all in! 

 

P.S. I finally joined Goodreads, feel free to prod me with a friend request if you're also doing the challenge! 

Transitioning Yearly Themes

So, this year had been a massive roller coaster. My 2011 theme 'conscious faith' has taught me a lot and I'm almost ready to put it to rest. I'm also getting ready to welcome and celebrate my incoming theme for 2012: renewal.
For those of you who also follow this or a similar process, what are your thoughts on the year ending and the potential for the new year?

Blog Reading Swap Meet

Once upon a time in a land not too long ago, Google Reader was handsome kind of woman who not only allowed you to read all the aggregate list of blogs you'd become infatuated with, but facilitated a network of sharing. 

This meant that you could not only share cool things that you read, but you could also share the reading of blogs out amongst your networks and get a broader reading base than you might otherwise manage (time and energy being finite resources afterall).  

One day, a new kind of sharing trend happened and Google Reader hooked up with another kind of sexy social medium called Google+. I'm very happy for them in their new relationship, I am sure that the dates are hot and they get a lot of rewarding feedback in their interactions and with those users who utilise both services. 

However, I am a very sad Google Reader user who is feeling a bit bereft and isolated not finding Google+ attractive for networked link sharing dating material at all.

I miss the way in which sharing was possible with my Google Reader network. My relationship with Google Reader has cooled somewhat and now I'm dating this fabulous new chap called Pinboard! He's all kinds of ace, but I haven't got the social side of things sorted out. 

Partly this blog (story) post is aimed at addressing that. I wondered who else of my lovely readers and fellow bloggers are also using Pinboard?

Not only am I missing the link sharing, but I thought that there might be some kind of magnificent opportunity to pool our blog reading and get the best ability to collectively read All The Things. One person on my Google Reader network used to read Gizmodo, and I didn't need to read it because I got all I kind of needed or wanted out of their reading it. 

That's kind of what prompted the idea for a Blog Reading Swap Meet, forming an intentional and conscious blog circle where there could be an opportunity to powerfully share awesome things we've read with our networks, and also take advantage of our different reading tastes to cover a broader reading base than we might otherwise achieve alone. 

I'm looking for expressions of interest in such an idea initially. I'd also like to brainstorm how to go about doing this with anyone who's interested. I'm reasonably tech savvy but I'm not technical per se and while I can leverage my ability to social network like whoah, there may be ways of doing this that I haven't thought of. 

My basic idea consists of forging a kind of bond through the use of blogs, twitter and Pinboard. What say you?

 

My Anti-Guilt Force Field

A number of years back I had a conversation with one of my dearest friends. She is loving, wise, compassionate and insightful. We were talking about guilt, my feeling crippled by it and her difficulty in grasping it as a concept. It's possible that she is the only person I know who grew up without some inherent understanding of guilt and the role it plays in society. 

At the time we were having this conversation I was exhausted by my guilt, I had long thought that there *had* to be a way past the guilt, a way to not feel the crushing weight of it at every moment. My friend and I examined my experiences guilt that I was wrestling with.

The closest we came to me conveying 'guilt' and her understanding it was in the context of responsibility and consequences for one's actions. It was through an examination of these two things that my friend articulated the questions that went through her head in scenarios where I was guilt ridden and how differently she perceived them. 

The questions are simple and with the framing of responsibility and consequences for actions they became a powerful tool that allowed me to unravel my guilt compex. I no longer suffer the weight of crushing guilt as a constant companion. I am free of it. It's not that I don't occasionally feel guilty, but I now have the means to deal with it and not let it take over my experience of the day, week or even just that moment.

I don't suggest that this tool will work for everyone, we are all different and our own experiences are sovereign to us. However, I'm sharing this with the thought that perhaps other people may indeed find this approach useful and allow them some freedom from guilt. 

It comes down to my willingness to take responsibility for the consquences of my actions. 

When I start to feel guilty there are a series of questions that I ask myself, devised within this conversation several years ago with my best friend. 

Is this my responsibility? 

If yes, are there actions I can take that would be appropriate and useful? If there are actions that will help resolve the situation and they are appropriate in the context I go ahead and take them.

If there are no actions that I can reasonably take I can ask myself; what I can learn from the situation? What I would do differently or the same in a similar situation? 

If it not my responsibility I can ask myself if there are actions that would be appropriate or useful to take regardless. If there are appropriate actions, I undertake them.

If it isn't appropriate I still go back to the question of what I've learned from the situation.

Once I've examined whether I have any responsibility, if there are actions that can be reasonably taken that are appropopriate and within my capacity to give I can feel at peace with that situation that provokes the feelings of guilt in me. 

Once you've reached the end of that question trail, you're left with a sense of having thought it through and either having done what you can to resolve it or taken the lesson from it for next time. All that remains then is to let it go.

If there is no futher action that can be taken... I can take a deep breath and let go of the guilt. At that point, it has nothing further to cling to. This is when it feels like some sort of magical force field kicks in and I'm free from the guilt onslaught in my heart and head. 

These questions are not an instant fix. It took some determination and consistent practise on my part to have ongoing effect. I started off actually needing to talk myself through the questions, but now I can just take a moment to think about the situation and trust in my experience to make the right decisions about responsibility and resulting actions. 

Guilt, such a strong and destructive emotional force. If you're struggling with it and reading, you have my heartfelt wishes that you experience ease and freedom around engaging with it, or not as is needful for you. 

I'm curious to know what other tools and mechanisms people use to tackle guilt, so please feel free to share in the comments. I'm also curious if other people have a similar approach and whether they've found it has worked or not worked for them? 

Yet more TED talks... perfect background listening for work!

Today for you I have another linky post of TED talks. I promise that I also have the intention of posting more thinky content, but that requires more of my brain than I've had available of late. I'm working hard and often my background listening is TED talks, hence I seem to always have a plethora of those to share with you.

I have an incredible mountain of links just waiting to go into linksalads (yes, plural), but I think I will declare an amnesty on a truck load that have been stored in Facebook and nowhere else simply because we're going on 8 months or so since I trawled through it and... well you can imagine how many links that would be. Maybe I will, but it's likely I won't. It really depends on the scrollback interface on whatever Facebook layout is engaged at the time. We shall see.

But for now, inspiring and thinky TED talks!

Geoffrey West: The surprising math of cities and corporations:

This was really interesting, according to West, the problems caused by the increase in ubranisation can also be solved through that same mechanism of cities and corporations through scalability and networks. I found it particularly interesting that if you double the size of a city, you increase all the good things and bad things, by about 15% (apparently up to and including walking speed o_O). Fascinating stuff.

Thandie Newton: Embracing otherness, embracing myself:

“I was an ‘other’ before anything else, even a girl.” This talk cuts to the heart of the interplay between self and individuality, and the abstract concept of connection and that sense of oneness. Newton speaks beautifully and with poignant insight, stating that “Race is an illegitimate concept, which our selves have created based on fear and ignorance.” It is a statement that I am in agreement with and think that the concept can be extrapolated to many other spaces where oppression and inequality lurk.

Mark Pagel: How language transformed humanity:

This talk was about language, how it is a tool for social cooperation. It allows us to take an idea that we have, and transfer it directly into the mind of someone else (through the filters of perception of course). I was interested in the way he referred to this as solving a crisis of 'visual theft' with groups of people. You could also call this copying or learning. Interesting to think for a moment and consider how the addition of language makes clear the intent and the purpose of actions. Language uniquely enables prosperity through the transfer of ideas.

Julian Treasure: 5 ways to listen better

If we take 'listening' to mean 'making meaning from sound' then it is also reasonable to consider what filters we utilise through listening. Filters such as our culture, our language background, values, beliefs, attitudes, intentions and more. Listening is distinct from sound in that we often become desensitised to sound in general. Treasure mentions some concern with how the art of conversation has been replaced by personal broadcast, that it doesn't facilitate conscious listening which is required for understanding. I like the idea that spending 3 minutes per day in silence that we can maintain a high degree of sensitivity to sound, something I'd like to try. I am aware through other talks also of the concept mentioned about the 'hidden choir' in the chorus of sound and the different ways it comes together, for example birds and trickling water and road noise. By far the most important point for me is that listening promotes connection, and that depending on your listening position, the opportunity for connection is increased or decreased accordingly. A favourite (judging by my notes) from this set of talks.

Josette Sheeran: Ending hunger now:

This was fascinating and moving. Hunger and starvation horrify me and it made me so overwhelmingly happy to hear the ways in which the World Food Program is working to combat hunger. I agree with the speaker in that it seems inexplicable that we can have all this technology, all this advanced society (so to speak) and yet... we're still dealing with this basic lack of food for a significant portion of the global populace.

It was interesting to find out that stunting as a result of malnourishment from conception through to two years of age is apparently irreversible and thus limits the capacity of those individuals to participate in society fully and advance their position. School feeding is apparently a significant way in which significant wins against hunger have been achieved. Not only is there food for consumption, but it promotes education and keeps kids in school longer. Sheeran states that if you use local agriculture and produce from local farms for school feeding programs, that the effect is "transformative". An example of this is Brazil, whose school feeding program comprises 0.5% of the GDP per annum. I also agree that in order to solve hunger globally that it needs to be a global commitment with a collective approach.

Jeremy Gilley: One day of peace:

In 1999, Gilley was part of an effort to create a global day of ceasefire and non-violence. A global day of peace. This is one of the most interesting examples of how a commitment to idealism inspires individual action in people worldwide toward a common commitment to peace.

Alex Steffen: The shareable future of cities:

There is in today's world an opportunity to consider how we tackle climate change. Steffen urges a call to rethink how our cities can help rather than hinder. Our energy use is predestined by the types of cities and communities that we live in. I love this particular quote where Steffen states:

“Right now, our economy by and large operates as Paul Hawken  said, ‘by stealing the future, selling it in the present and calling it GDP’ And if we have another 8 billion ... people living on a planet where their cities also steal the future, we’re going to run out of future really fast”

Ultimately, the point is that it is not about the leaves above, but the systems below as a part of our ordinary and everyday that provide us with the most useful ways in which to engage with climate change and future humanity considerations.

Eve Ensler: Suddenly my body:  (TW: sexualised violence and rape culture references)

Author of 'The Vagina Monologues' Eve leads us in a deeply personal, confronting account of how she came to understand her disconnection and eventual connection with her body. This is is quite intense in the language and it might be triggery for anyone sensitive to sexualised violence, so keep that in mind and look after yourself if you wish to watch this talk. I am a fan of Ensler's poetic metaphor, the charismatic and intense way in which she speaks, commanding respect and challenging us to think and to listen regarding what goes on in the world around us.

Joan Halifax: Compassion and the true meaning of empathy:

This is probably my favourite talk of this set of links. In this talk, the speaker asserts that love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries and that they are vital to life. Halifax has a unique perspective on death through her work with the dying and condemned and how one aspect of wonderousness is that people all around us can be dying and we do not quite take on that can happen to us - it is disassociated. I thought her statement about "the strength that arises when natural compassion is really present" in those who tend to the dying as being very poignant.

This talk moved me on many levels and this quote is another example of how deeply this resonated with me: "compassion is comprised of the capacity to see clearly into the nature of suffering. it is that ability to stand strnog and to recognise also that I'm not separate from this suffering". I am not separate from the suffering around me. This resonates strongly with me and it's something that I am thinking on increasingly.

Halifax speaks with conviction that we "aspire to transform suffering" and that although seeds of compassion must be activated, that they are present in all human beings. I agreed with her that it is fear, pity and moral outrage that are enemies of compassion and that our present experience of the everyday is overladen by terror and fear and such a very narrow band of moral rightness. This global condition is insidious and it pervades our ability to perceive and act with compassion and love. The answer is to consciously take on compassion, to actualise compassion and nurture the quality of resilience that it brings to our lives. Far from draining us, compassion supports us and provides us with an inner well of strength with which to deal with our experiences.

So much food for thought in this talk, one I think would be worthwhile to listen to more than once, perhaps periodically. Much like the Brene Brown talk on vulnerability (I've linked to that before).

Sasha Dichter: The generosity experiment:

This talk was interesting and I appreciate a lot of the context where he engages with the 'no' reflex and how that closes off opportunities for generosity. Generosity is about 'yes', and that what that means is that there is potential and possibility involved in listening to someone and taking a risk on an opportunity to address issues and global problems that are generally considered 'impossible' or inevitable. Well worth listening too and considering how you yourself engage with generosity. Are you always responding 'no' to requests for help? Is the 'no' a reflex or a considered response? All good questions that I'm letting tick over in the back of my brain.

 

A slightly shorter links post than I usually give you, but I must admit I'm rather pleased by that :)  Enjoy! Let me know what your thoughts are about these talks, I'm interested in how other people hear these ideas from visionary people that I'm exploring and find inspiring.

Sir Walter Murdoch Lecture 2011: Todd Sampson on "Creativity: Balancing Fear and Success"

Last night with friends I attended the Sir Walter Murdoch Lecture for 2011. This is an annual public lecture given since 1974 in memory of the Murdoch University namesake, Sir Walter Murdoch. This year's speaker was Todd Sampson, someone I hadn't really heard of before last night (much to the surprise of my friends, I should add).

I really enjoyed the lecture and found a lot of resonating insight. A different doorway of thought drawing on aspects of thought, perception, culture and personhood that I've been thinking on. The topic of the lecture "Creativity: Balancing Fear and Success" had a lot of useful content (and though I understand it is a lecture that Mr Sampson gives regularly, it was no less interesting for that).

The following notes are what I took from the lecture, perhaps they might be of interest or use to you. (Feel free to let me know in the comments).

Creativity is a powerful force that disrespects the status quo. Disrespecting or making war upon the status quo is a subject that occupies a reasonable amount of my thinking. From this perspective I find that creativity as a concept cannot easily be ignored and the potential for impact is massive.

If you give people the opportunity to realise their ability to make a difference in their world, you tap into a well of creativity. Such a well was part of the foundation of Earth Hour - one of Todd's biggest successes. Prior to last night I didn't really understand what was being gained out of such an event. Now I get it.

  • If you take a group of eclectic people and sit them down together to talk, they will come up with an idea.
  • If you then take that idea and create a symbolic event, the idea becomes a kind of social activism.
  • Then, take this social activism to your advertising and connect every person to the idea that they are also all people - oneness.
  • Such social activism can become corporate activism multiplying the impact of that one single event on a massive global scale. 

One event. One single hour. Worldwide.

Earth Hour's impact is that it brings people together with the ability to each take one small action.

It isn't that everyone turned their lights off for an hour and that this is now a yearly event in partnership with governments and corporations globally... it's that through a symbolic event people think about the issue. They talk about the issue. They take action on the issue. It is a micro action, but such actions pave the way for other actions around environmental conservation, climate change and sustainability.

Each person with their one small action, contributes to the shifting of culture through creativity.

Another powerful force that influences everyone worldwide, is fear. I am firmly of the belief that everyday culture and conservatism condition us to fear, condition us away from creativity where we might question the world and society around us.

We all experience fear... fear of the unknown, fear of failure and fear of looking bad. In Todd's view, all fear stems from these three places and while my personal jury is out on that right now, it's a good place to start.

The answer is not to eradicate fear, but to engage with it. I liked Todd's approach which was essentially to "be brave just a little bit longer" and to remember that action is the antidote to fear.

In his experience he finds that the most successful organisations and people balance creativity and fear.

Largely this post is just about my notes from the lecture and only a little about my thinking around it. I may (or may not) come back to these concepts and talk about them a little more in the context of my own thinking and what I personally am about for the world.

But I have become aware of something, and I noticed it acutely last night. I am conscious of my sense of 'moreness' within, that something that says I still have stuff to do, to say, to learn, to teach etc... that sense of being 'called'. It bubbles below the surface of my awareness and every so often it surges, and it's almost like I'm about to cry... I feel overwhelmed and there is a rush of intense emotional insight into whatever is going on at the time. That sense of 'moreness' was there last night and it was just at that moment that I recognised and linked the physical response to it.

Whatever it is I'm about... I'm getting closer all the time to that discovery. I cannot wait.

 

 

Checking in on my enquiry for 2011: Conscious Faith.... it's all a work in progress.

I stumbled upon the entry I wrote at the beginning of the year about setting the space for my 2011 enquiry. I'm still in the midst of it, I can feel that there's some time yet to have this fully play out. But, I am listening to the the universe and happenschance that I looked at it tonight and thus, updating. 

Oh how difficult and sobering and heartening it is to revisit that post. The year was so full of promise and coming out of the last third of 2010 which was horrible, and it overall being a difficult year.... I wanted this year to be amazing. I also knew it would be challenging and it certainly has been. I feel like there have been glimpses of amazing... I hope it means that the really really good stuff is yet to come. 

Still, I don't think this is the update that I wanted to write. It will require me to be a little more personal than I thought I'd be in this space. However, what good is an enquiry if you don't engage with it? 

I didn't think I'd engaged with it as much as I have... it hasn't been as much in the forefront of my mind as past year themes have been. But oh, looking back on what I wrote... there's been so much to do with this theme going on. So. Very. Much. 

Conscious Faith was about my life, how I move through the world, how I run my life and where I direct my energies. I've learned *so* much. I've shifted and changed so much of what was so at that point in the year. And all of it has been inside the world of trust, sincerity to self and my commitment to my life, to the world around me. I couldn't be where I am at this point, without that being true. 

Where am I with some of the goals I outlined?

  • I wanted to continue developing my ability to Listen Actively

It's hard to describe where I'm at with this, because I feel like I'm better at this, but it is an overall sense rather than specific events I can point to. It's about an attitude to listening that has become part of my background thought, part of my ordinary, rather than being something I have to employ consciously and with deliberate intent. It has (to my mind) been subsumed into how I move through the world in general. 

  • I wanted to look at the systems and strategies I employ, and at their effectiveness

I've employed some new systems and they're new enough that I can't yet evaluate them. It's all a work in progress, but I can say that decluttering has been a big part of things. I'm also shifting how I do things in my online spaces so that I can streamline things a little better... it's not there yet, but I'm thinking about it.

I'd still like mechanisms for being able to keep links together for link salad posting... currently I'm partly using whatever social networking is handy and partly my igoogle task list or just having a bunch of tabs open in my browser. See? Still a work in progress.

  • Non fiction reading increase and expansion

 If I can count the amount of blog reading, then I can say this is happened. However, I know that I meant books of theorists. I've sourced several texts... but with the burnout I haven't really taken any of them up to read. I'm a little sad about this, I'd still like it to shift and do a little bit of it. I know I'll enjoy it when I get there... the big thing seems to be starting. Some work to be done there... 

  • Cooking, being conscious and thoughtful about ingredients and ethical impacts...

This is a hard one. There has been cooking... though not as much as I wanted. I have been conscious and thoughtful about the ingredients and ethics. Am I any closer to a position or being definitive about what works for me? Not a bit. That said, resolution wasn't a requirement - it'd be a nice bonus though :)

  • Meaningful conversations with people that will assist with them working through or shifting hard stuff.

This has been a joy and challenge this year. There's been a lot more of it than I could have conceived. I believe I've done well with it, people I've had conversations with where there was intentionality and something of a purpose in mind, there was beauty in sharing and moving through conversation and listening. I won't say more than that save that it is very rewarding and it fills me up inside with light.

The hard with this is in confronting that I perhaps have something to offer, something meaningful that makes a difference. I do, I am learning to trust this and rather than worry about being egotistical I am concentrating on trusting myself and sharing without imposing

  • Goals and wishes and desires... 

Oh I've been listening. I've been acting on things as well. I took a chance on an adventure to Kununurra for a job. It was amazing and heartbreaking. It didn't work out... but I took a leap of faith and that felt *amazing*. I'm conscious that my time in Perth is drawing to a close, that it's time to be in a different living space, a different city space and exploring other aspects of myself and my relationships. 

Professional goals and wishes have come with some fruition despite the difficulty that was Kununurra. There have been jobs I've done and enjoyed. I've worked with great teams. I've achieved significant and measurable results. I've achieved things. I've become more aware of what shape my career might take on. It's still barely shaped... but it's there and I can feel it starting to come together. 

  • Making a difference in the world... myself and others. Also here is the space where I wanted to live in accordance with my ideals that 'we're all an us' that 'anything is possible'

I am making a difference in every moment that I am myself to the best of my ability. Authentically, I am an intense person and I have an enormous impact on my world around me. I am an overflowing well of love, of wonder and of joy shared freely with those around me. I am powerful and driven by my visions for equality, for personhood, for connection, for a greater understanding and appreciation of love. I am someone who motivates and inspires, I lead people and most of all.... I am a Giant

I am a Giant standing on the shoulders of many other Giants, wanting others to stand on my shoulders to become Giants, all of us reaching for far away stars, creating them with our dreams. 

It's not without stumbles and falls, none of us manage to be our best selves all the time. Sometimes, I am learning, it is our less awesome selves that teach us what being sincere and authentic are really about. It is all about the journey, the destination may yet be grand, but without the journey I have no context with which to value it. 

I've seen people around me take on amazing projects, start inspiring businesses, speak truth and love, connection and community to people. I've been part of some of this and some of it just a witness to it... but oh, I get to be around some of the most amazing people who are making the most amazing difference in the world in so many different and important ways

  • Continue to be my own best friend, to abide my my self dedication vows and promises

This is a mixed bag in some ways. Or maybe not... I've been very conscious of this all year. I started the year in burn out, I've discovered a heart-wound as part of my trying to recover my energy reserves (which in part explains why it's taking so freaking long). Self care and introspection have been strong motivators for me this year. I've been working so very hard in my head and in my heart. I'm not done yet. Some of what I've been working on has uncovered some really nasty and unhealthy patterns that are not at all keeping with my promises to myself. However, I'm paying that they're there and working to unhook them and let them go. 

  • Know connectionism like I know how to breathe... 

This has to be one of the gifts I gave myself at the beginning of this year. I swear it's been one of the key things that's helped me to deal with all the hard and all the painful stuff. I know my connections like I know how to breathe. I can feel them and I can nurture them. For most of the year the energy has been rushing outwards in some key spaces and that tide is now turning.

In other spaces the flow of energy back and forth has been sublime abundance. I am surrounded by the most amazing loving friends. I cannot for a moment doubt that love and care... And even in the spaces where the energy has been in ebb and it's mostly been coming from me... there is a special kind of caringness and building that comes from that. It's not one sided, just held in trust. I've been holding close my knowledge of those connections, knowing that tides and energy flows would revert in time. Knowing connectionism has made the hard that much easier to navigate. So unbelievably easier. 

This is where I am at just now. I think the summary is really, still all a work in progress. But oh, I can absolutely recognise far more clearly 2011's theme Conscious Faith in amongst all the stuff going on this year. That's actually quite satisfying... I'm kind of delighted by the effort my subconscious has clearly made in this area. 

As a work in progress I'm very conscious that it also means... there's still a lot of work to come. But, I have faith in all the ways I'm negotiating my world and beingness. It is all coming together. I'm still learning so very much. I'm seeking recognition and reassurance in different places and I am letting go of my sense of independence as a fortress around me. I must remember that my best strength is always in vulnerability. 

Here's to the rest of 2011... bring it. I'm all over this. 

A Blogroll kind of Link Salad

I'm well and truly daunted by the prospect of trying to dig up all the links that I've been sharing in other more immediate spaces and not here for OH SO LONG (like since last year...) I still want to do this, but I'm not sure yet the best way to approach it. I'm being gentle and sneaking up on it. 

That's why I'm doing this blog post first! It's a Link Salad! It's a special kind of Link Salad where I thought I'd share a bunch of the blogs that I'm reading. I read A LARGE number of blogs pretty faithfully I read everything from cooking and environmental and picture blogs, lifestyle and self devleopment blogs, plus a large number of feminist and social justice blogs.

Somehow I am not stressed at being 1000+ entries behind in my reading, it becomes something of a marathon challenge to work through. I enjoy getting lost in the spaces between what other people write and publish online. I'm getting closer to being in a space where I am also writing and contributing to the space with insightful and lovely things to say. (I hope.) 

I will point out that I almost never read comment streams. Sometimes that's out of laziness, but in a large number of cases, I find the comment streams a little (or a lot) toxic and I'm just not interested in *that* level of engagement. So before I go into the list, a couple of warnings...

Trigger Warning - comment streams have not been vetted in most of these cases. I'll state specifically if there are comment streams I've found valuable rather than the other way around. If you find comment spaces difficult, you may wish to be aware that I've not vetted most of these ahead of time. 

Sexual Content Warning - some of the links I want to share with you are overtly sexual in nature, I'll post those in a spaced out paragraph on their own, but if you're not interested in those kinds of blog spaces just be aware there will be a section in the post for this stuff. There is only a couple, and they should be easy to skip but I'll flag it clearly for those uninterested. 

 

And now... onto the Link Salad! 

First, one of my most favourite blogs in the world... Havi's Fluent Self blog. This is one of the spaces that I'm most behind on because I read it carefully and intentionally. I don't skim or rush it. I often mark posts to go back to and revisit after thinking about them (or forgetting about them). This is one of the few blog spaces where I enjoy the comment stream. I don't always read it, but whenever I have, there's never been a whisper of ick. Instead there's an awesome coming together of people all working on their own stuff and sharing accord)ingly. I've learned so very much from the blog and Havi, but also from the community of people who comment as well. 

Havi writes about her business, about being a Pirate Queen, about her community and the different ways in which she works with herself and others around biggifying and destuckification, negotiating with our inner monsters, about finding playful ways that work and not having to run her business in a traditional way. I cannot emphasise just how much I love this blog. 

 

Next, the Astronomy Picture of the Day (APOD) blog. It's just an image, but it's never *just* an image. I have a deep and abiding fascination with space and the universe. Once upon a time I wanted to be an astronomer (until someone scared me with all the maths involved, which now makes me a little sad). There is an amazing array of images displayed, some more artistic, some more scientific, some telescopic photographs, some Earthscape photographs... but all amazing in their way. Getting to look at all these images reminds me of the love and the wonder I see in how everything connects in some way. I'm reminded of a Carl Sagan quote: "Within us is a little universe". 

 

This won't surprise anyone, but I love the XKCD webcomic! A great number of my friends also love this webcomic (not really a blog, but I follow it as faithfully!) I fell in love with this comic when I was linked to this particular offering titled 'Grownups'. Since then I've followed it's array of geektastic, romantic, sarcastic, linguistic and scientific with delight. 

 

I found Chally's blog 'Zero at the Bone' through reading a number of other blogs I read. In particular her posts resonate with me, make me think, make me consider the world and people around me differently. Chally's blog is one of my favourites overall for a social justice perspective, she's not afraid to have conversations or ask questions that many other people either don't notice or don't have time for. In particular I value Chally's recurring theme on identity, not so much the way we choose to form identity, but the invisible ways in which the dominant culture around us forms our identity - it also informs us how to judge others' identities.

There's a lot of interesting and insightful reading to be had from this blog, and it's worth a look - though be aware it's not discussing social justice from a 101 perspective and is instead tackling greyer and more thorny approaches to the goings on in the world. 

 

There is a treasure trove of geeky suggestions and 'hacks' via Lifehacker Australia to have your life run better, everything from tech choices, plans for your tech (broadband, mobiles etc), office setup, wellness and work, work life balance, travel and even home and DIY tips. There's a lot of recommendation and discussion on software particularly of the open source kind and if I want a program that does 'x' I'll hit their archives first to find out what they've had to say about the subject. I love it, but it also tends to be completely unaware of it's pivilege and sometimes that shows, but overall it's not terrible. The interesting suggestions and advice I've gotten from the site make it well worthwhile. Also, I often find comments here to be helpful, (although there are also some trolls). 

 

Some other social justice blog links now, first up Blue Milk who discusses motherhood in relation to feminism and social justice. Blue Milk's posts are insightful and draw not only from her own experience of the world but from academic and other blog spaces. She makes astute comments regarding motherhood and feminism, the difficulties in both these spaces and how they interconnect. This is another blog that I picked up from carnivals and other cross linking like I did Chally's. 

I believe that Hoyden About Town was the first specifically feminist blog I read, and it is still a favourite. I belive that it was through HAT that I discovered both Chally and Blue Milk's blogs. I love their broad social justice perspective - I do actually seek out blogs that have a broader view of injustice, oppession and the seeking of equality. HAT certainly has that, I've learned immense amounts from this blog with it's cohort of regular bloggers and occasional guest bloggers. 

One thing I value about Blue Milk, Hoyden About Town and Zero at the Bone is that they're all largely Australian/New Zealand in perspective - they all cover material outside of Australia and New Zealand, but I really value that they're talking about their experiences and that they're relevant in a local way. I appreciate other blogs that are mostly USA-centric, but the balance provided by these (and other Australian/New Zealand blogs) is very welcome.

 

I've been following the Geek Feminism blog almost since it's inception. I love it's focus on things that are geeky and that the interpretation of what constitutes 'geeky' is broad and inclusive. There is as like to be posts about knitting as there is about tech conferences. This blog is valuable in that it interrogates and discusses a particular focus of feminism that I've felt at times was missing from the other blogs I was reading. Other feminism blogs do cover the high notes of what is discussed by Geek Feminism, but this blog drills down and takes on those deeper conversations about geekdom, feminism and the interplay of privilege within

 

Another different perspective on social justice, these two blogs take on the other side of the conversation about equality and feminism by looking at what's going on in men's spaces and how the culture of oppression and inequality hurts them too. In reading both Hugo Schwyzer's blog and the No, Seriously, What About Teh Menz? blog, I've gained insight into parts of culture invisible to me as a cis woman. I've been able to consider the issues and concerns that relate to men being in the world as it is, where in one form or another privilege harms everyone unchecked.

Equality is a huge cultural soup and no one side of any conversation can hope to make headway toward that goal without the involvement of the other parties. I value these blogs as part of a movement of people dedicated to moving forward with equality in all areas, committed to learning and exploring the issues, to sharing and having the conversations and to offer critique. 

 

On a food related note... I have been dearly enjoying The Capers of the Kitchen Crusader blog posting not only cafe reviews (from around Perth) but also cooking adventures. I find the reviews insightful and I've found them to be useful on more than one occasion. (I still really, really want to get to Toast for example). 

I also really enjoy the reviews that come out of Crema and Crumbs. This blogger notices awesome things about cafes and talks about places I wouldn't have even thought to try, with obvious success on their part. Again this is Perth-centric, and I love it for that factor too. 

 

A lovely friend of mine has just started her food blog 'Get In My Belly' and so far it looks to be friendly and story telling and lovely. I'm going to enjoy trying some of her recipes as she's a  *very* good cook.

And now the picture blogs! These are general blogs that are generally speaking safe for work (your milage may vary on that though). 

Zoo Borns! Baby animals! The unbelievable cuteness! Perfect for crappy days when I need a pick-me-up. Also, baby animals! 'Nuff said :D 

Cute Boys With Cats! Kitties, and boy-identifying people with kitties! How can this not be awesome?

Pansexual Pride is not just a picture tumblr but it does have a lot of awesome images. It's a very genderqueer friendly space (to my eye at least) and there's lots of people being out and proud about their sexuality and feeling comfortable about it. I love being part of that kind of space. The positivity and the way people express themselves with pride is just delightful. I love that there's lot of different relationship and people shapes and experiences and backgrounds. The diversity is so heartening. 

 

 

This is the space bubble for the links relating to sexual content, if you're uninterested you you can finish right here, if you've got some particularly awesome blogs that you recommend I take a look out - feel free to share them in the comments. I hope you liked some of the links to blogs that I mentioned. These are a selection of some 75 ish blogs that I follow (not including my livejournal/dreamwidth). 

 

If you're interested in some of the more solidly sexuality based links see below. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bubble bubble bubble and this is the beginning of the bubble. Sexual content follows. 

 

Just two links, first off Sex Is Not the Enemy. I love this blog - one of the top tags is for 'smiley happy people' - how brilliant is that? There are plenty of people for whom sex is fraught with worry, pressure and other less than positive feelings. There are also plenty of people who are uninterested in sex all or most of the time and that's fine too.

There are also people who are just comfortable and who delight in their sexuality and it is this latter space that this blog seeks to capture. For those of us who are interested in, invested in and who pursue sexual partnerships with people, I think a blog like this is invaluable. I love the variety of people, relationships, shapes, of acts - the diversity here is brilliant, I love that it's candid, it usually comes across moreso stylistic as opposed to pornish - though that's a personal view and others may find that very different. 

 

The second link is more overtly pornish - at least that's my experience of it. Frigging is just brilliant. It's a tumblr blog from the perspective of a pansexual cis-gendered woman, it's just stuff that takes her fancy, but it's just so much of the awesome. There's a lot of different images here, some are about beauty, some are attractive for attractiveness sake, some is fashion or photography and yes, pornish stuff. It's delicious. There's again, lots of different shapes, people, depictions from a diverse space... I just can't get enough of such positive imagery. 

 

Bubble bubble bubble... this be the end of the bubble :)

 

Also, it's the end of this post. I hope you enjoyed the links and again, if you've got some particularly awesome blogs that you recommend I take a look out - feel free to share them in the comments. 

Epic Recent TED Talks Post...

Lately at work I've been using TED talks as my background for working interspersed with music and podcasts. (I have a post about both of those brewing, with about a hundred other ideas...I'll get there one day?) 

As always, TED talks are too good not to be shared and I always like seeing links from people to talks I want to listen to that I haven't yet heard of. That said I've gone through a LOT of talks lately, so be warned that this post is rather epic.

I was thinking of trying to group them by similar topic... but I don't know that I'll do the best job of that also I tend to think inspiration, creativity and people doing cool stuff is its own category :P Even if they're talking about different subjects.

Some of these I'm going to have more comments on than others. All of them were worthwhile listening, some of them I had more wordy/thinky reactions and some of them were just interesting and different to listen to and I haven't got more to say about it just now.  

Bruce Aylward: How we'll stop polio for good

I didn't realise how devastating this disease still is, I actually thought it *had* been eradicated.

Shirin Neshat: Art in exile

This talk really did embody that statement 'the personal is political', the speaker's journey through exile and artistic expression is engaging and I was particularly struck by this statement: "Every Iranian artist, in one form or another, is political. Politics have defined our lives." I'm struck by my privilege because... that isn't true for me in the way it is true for her and other Iranians, other people who live under very different circumstances than I do. This was a good and timely reminder of looking outside my own little bubble.

Daniel Temmet: Different ways of knowing

This was fascinating - I loved for a moment experiencing the world in a very different way. What I took from the talk overall is that there are a million different ways to see and perceive something - don't limit that possibility, don't make it reasonable.

Maya Beisar(s) and her cello(s)

This is technology, music and imagination put together beautifully. Remixing, it's everywhere.

Steve Jobs: How to live before you die

I've never been a fan of Jobs', but I did like this talk about how to move through the world and work out what you'd really like to be doing, and trying to find a way to do that.

Janet Echelman: Taking imagination seriously

This is one of my favourite recent talks. The artistic expression on a massive level makes my heart soar. If you've recently seen those amazing paper sculptures turning up in various places, you may well enjoy this talk. The speaker discusses how she really came to understand the value of imagination being an artist, beginning with a fishing net.

Honor Harger: A history of the universe in sound

The introduction to this talk mentions that we don't know much about what the universe sounds like, which seems like a funny thing to say, but then getting to *listen* to space was amazing.

Rajesh Rao: A Rosetta Stone for the Indus script

The infectious fascination this speaker has for this particular mystery of history - what he calls the "mother of all crossword puzzles". I'd never heard of anything around the Indus script or the peoples and civilisation surrounding it. I was surprised about that, as a result I really enjoyed this talk and wondering about history in a very different way than I have before. I love how he breaks down the way they're forming assumptions and rules from which to translate from, in order to test translations and so on. Fascinating stuff.

Two talks from Stefan Sagmeister, a short talk: On what he has learned (so far), then a longer discussion on: The power of time off.

This speaker really had a way of speaking, of sharing and inviting you to consider and imagine. I loved his list of things from the first talk that he'd learned and then was amazed by some of the art pieces and installations he'd created based on those learnings. Some of my favourite things were "Being not truthful always works against me", "Assuming is stifling", "Over time I get used to everything and start taking for granted", "Everybody thinks they are right" and, "Everybody who is honest is interesting".

In the following talk the speaker talks about what value taking one year in seven completely off from his business, going on sabbatical really brings to him. He talks about it in a personal context, in a business and earnings context and other ways, it was very interesting and I found a lot of merit in what he talked about. The work I'd ultimately like to be doing could really benefit from something like this being part of my business model and my practices. Just imagine what could happen if we had more opportunity to stop, take stock, to think, to be, to reflect and engage inwardly, to explore. I love this idea so much. I'm not at all considering the reality of funding such a practice, right now that's not so much a practicality as it is a reason to never think about how I could make it happen.

Robert Hammond: Building a park in the sky

This was an interesting talk and speaks to parts of me that pull for community and transformation of conforming surrounds etc. I love his description of "a mile of wildflowers through the middle of Manhattan" and how he kept invisioning the creation of an "inner city wildscape".

Matt Cutts: Try something new for 30 days

This idea had a lot of merit - the examples the speaker showed were useful, within reach, both ordinary and inspiring. I may think about this a little more and try and find a way to incorporate something like it in my ordinary and my everyday.

Jessi Arrington: Wearing nothing new

This woman's delight was infectious! I loved her enthusiasm for being exactly who she is, in conjunction for how she went about achieving it. Also, I loved some of the looks she shows in the talk. I do think that her concept gets a bit more difficult for those of us with irregular body shapes - certainly going op-shopping is as much an exercise in frustration as regular shopping (though at least it costs less). Maybe I just need to practice. Regardless there's a lot of merit in this idea and I'll be thinking about this too as part of my everyday/ordinary.

Rachel Botsman: The case for collaborative consumption

This talk was another favourite, it looks to the way we as individuals and consumers are adapting to a new surrounds, how we're questioning the drive to simply purchase and consume. I love the idea that we could start to see some really obvious and amazing changes in the way we as communities and individuals engage with 'stuff' and consumption moving toward a more collaborative and less impact model. She talks about how we're now becoming "wired to share" in a "peer to peer revolution", that we are no longer passive, but have become creators and collaborators, or, groups for purpose.

Marc Koska: 1.3million reasons to re-invent the syringe

This was a mixed thing for me. On one hand, the health concerns are staggering, on the other hand, the waste impact seems to be so massive. I can't argue with the necessity, given the reports of re-use of needles and the obviously devastating effects that come from that.

Nathan Myhrvold: Cooking as never seen before

I loved that they actually cut things in half to photograph them! I love that they concentrated on the 1/100th of a second that it needed to look good for the book. I think that such a book genuinely has a lot of potential in getting people involved in cooking and understanding what's going on when they cook. 

Jonathan Drori: The beautiful tricks of flowers

This is one of those talks that I listened to because it's never an area of interest that I've taken much notice of before. Actually the way flowers do their thing with insects is pretty interesting and amusing in places. Some beautiful images in this too.

Nadia Al-Sakkaf: See Yemen through my eyes

This woman is the Editor of the Yemen Times and is flat out amazing! I am so deeply inspired by her, I love how outspoken she is, I love how powerfully she comes across and I love the way she seeks to see and speak clearly into the future about the past.

 

So, that's what's been going through my brain as I've been working this week (and oh how scary are my process maps becoming, plus there's been development of a business case in there too)! Hopefully you enjoy some of these too :)